Friday, January 27, 2012

Finally

This runner was the luckiest bastard I have ever seen. The man was a fucking moron, constantly making the same stupid fucking mistakes over and over, yet every time I got close enough kill him something happened to throw me off his trail.

The first time it happened, I was chasing him down a set of motel stairs. He was out of my reach so I threw my ax at him. I fucking had him, and then he tripped over his shoelace and fell down the stairs. The ax missed him by an inch, and instead hit the fire extinguisher on the wall. The fire extinguisher went off explosively and by the time I recovered he was gone.

The second time I was chasing him down a street. A car skidded on the ice and forced me to duck into an alley to avoid being run over. The car skidded to a stop directly in front of the alley, and I had to climb over it to get out. The runner was long gone by the time I got back to the street.

The third time I was chasing him up a skyscraper. He took the only working elevator, and I had to run up the damn stairs. I beat the elevator to the top floor, and the doors opened. He saw me and got this horrified look on his face, as he realized he had nowhere else to run. I ran for the elevator, planning on killing him there. Then the power went out, and some guy, who is now dead, ran into me and knocked us both over. By the time the backup generators or whatever-the-fuck kicked on he was gone a-fucking-gain.

The fourth and final time he pulled this shit it sorta backfired on him. One second he was running along a bridge, the next second he was falling onto a fucking boat which just so fucking happened to be right by the fucking bridge at the exact fucking moment he fell. But the boat wasn’t traveling that fast so I just jumped after him. After that it was easy to corner him and chop his legs, arms, and head off. In that order. Then I had to dispose of the other people on the boat who were staring at me in horror/screaming, and that took several hours…

I woulda been back a week ago, really, but I wanted to stick around and see how the cleanup crew was going to deal with that boat. [You know how much our cleanup crew enjoys my company, boss. I couldn’t resist.] They staged it to look like a drugs bust gone horribly wrong or something stupid like that, and then they sunk the boat.

Mission complete. I’m on my way back.


And stop messing with my blog layout. Thia.

21 comments:

  1. Clumsiness seems to be the bodies way of either killing you off or keeping you alive. Depends on your luck I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It worked in his favor for a while, right up until it [and I] killed him.

      Delete
  2. 1st: You're horrible.
    2nd: The background sucks
    3rd: You're horrible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1st: Why thank you.
      2nd: I like it, the boss likes it, so the rest of you can go to hell.
      3rd: So glad you noticed.

      Delete
    2. Your "boss" has no eyes...

      So yeah.

      Screw you...

      Delete
    3. I was referring to Ao, who is also my boss and does indeed have two fully functional eyes.

      So yes.

      Fuck you.

      Delete
    4. They won't be functional for much longer if she keeps staring at that fucking background.

      And I'd say "fuck you too", but you must be used to being fucked over like a tool by now... I'll just settle with "Go to hell" for now.

      Delete
    5. Tch. Snippy little fucker.

      Tool? Hardly... But the rest holds a shred of truth. Chicks dig my sunglasses.

      But answer me this, numbnuts. Why do you hesitate to kill those who would gladly kill you?

      Delete
    6. Because no one should die before their time comes. Not even you. And I really don't get how you or anyone else can just kill innocent people without any remorse.

      Delete
    7. I do not believe my subordinate is ever going to respond, so allow me.

      If it is truly not someone’s time to die, then nothing can kill them. No one is truly innocent. Most have done or thought about doing something worthy of death.
      Some kill for the joy it brings them, some for revenge, while others are simply doing their jobs. One thing I have learned is a kill in self-defense does not merit remorse.

      Delete
  3. Huh. Woulda thought the bitch would’ve made one of her typical bitchy/elitist comments defending her honor by now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bite me, jackass.

      ...how could you possibly have noticed the changes I made?

      Delete
    2. I intend for you to never find out.

      Delete
  4. Lose the internet again, did we?

    ReplyDelete
  5. This...was a marvelous read. Laughing so hard right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FYI, you sound like a braying donkey when you laugh.

      Delete
    2. Better to sound like a braying donkey than a dog who swallowed an accordion, like you.

      Delete
  6. Five days ago I was contacted by our personal clean-up crew. They expressed their excessive dislike for you and threatened to have you terminated if you continued to harass them and go out of your way to make their jobs more difficult than they need be.

    ReplyDelete